For the last half of the season I was in an almost constant state of flip-flopping. Amidst rumours that were strengthened by the World Juniors selection, it seemed likely that the National Team was looking for younger 16 year old-ish athletes for their Development Team. My coaches and I both knew that my options for next year were limited to the Provincial Team (again) or forging ahead with some sort of independent program. I was still in the middle of the race season and trying to focus on one race, one run, one turn at a time. That was the conclusion my parents and I always came to at the end of each redundant, head-spinning, roller-coaster phone conversation of "should I race next year or not?" I was consumed in a fruitless cycle familiar to many athletes. "Is it worth the time, money and effort to keep fighting this uphill battle? Is it worth putting off the life of young adulthood that the rest of my peers are experiencing? Is it worth putting my health at risk again?" These thoughts were followed by "BUT! I love ski racing. This is my passion! This is why I came back once, twice, and a third time after each knee surgery. I've always just known, felt, and expected to be a successful World Cup skier. But is it worth the time, money and effort..." (and repeat). Despite the distracting big life questions, I still finished off the season with a 7th place in the Giant Slalom at Nationals and saw some of my best turns during the second run.
Standing at the top of the race hill, my long time coach Derek Trussler said to me - "Sarah, you just need more time." I guess that is my short answer - I got hurt a lot. With this last injury especially, my style of skiing often reflected my body's attitude of self preservation. Although I improved the confidence, aggression, and ease in my skiing throughout the season, I still needed more time to reach my full potential.
However, racing for the provincial team next year felt like swimming upstream. Looking at the big picture - was this really the life I wanted? Fighting for a spot on a consistently inconsistent National Team and coming to a halt at the end of each season waiting for my future to be dealt by the hands of other people? Add in the recent elimination of the entire Women's National Speed Team and a growing concern for my historically unfaithful knee - student life was looking more and more attractive.
After reflecting on the past season, examining my reasons behind this "dream," and envisioning what I wanted in my life (independence, progression) eventually the days where I would wake up deciding I was done became more and more consistent. I made the round of emotional phone calls to coaches, trainers, and staff at BC Alpine, who were all so understanding and supportive. I woke up the next morning with a new found sense of freedom. It felt like months of anxiety, stress, expectations and fear had faded away and a thousand doors of new possibilities had blown wide open.
While I'm definitely experiencing the grief of losing a long-time dream, it's exciting looking into new options for my future and my other talents. I've had a fun summer so far - working in the orchards, staying in one place for an extended period of time (!) hanging out with family and friends and going on trips to Sasquatch Music Festival and the Calgary Stampede (minus the overweight luggage).
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| At Sasquatch! |
If school isn't too crazy, I would like to give back and stay involved through coaching. It seems my academic and career plans change almost biweekly, but currently my plan is to study Journalism and Communications on the coast either before or after applying to work at a Heli-ski operation. Either way I hope to score some powder and experience skiing without a speed suit this winter.
Thanks for reading! And thank you all for the support and encouragement.
I've been so lucky to have had this experience!
Sarah
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